Beth Williamson’s Blog

Are you a Martha or Maxine?

*Martha’s Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine’s Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha’s Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine’s Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha’s Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine’s Way *
Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.

*Martha’s Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’

*Maxine’s Way *
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it, you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’

*Martha’s Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine’s Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha’s Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine’s Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don’t.

*Martha’s Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine’s Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! ‘All’ your pains go away.

*Martha’s Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine’s Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha’s Way*
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine’s Way *
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

Got this from my peep, Janice. I’ve always loved George Carlin - and dangit all, he won’t be performing again when I’m in Vegas in August. Poo.

Anyway, I thought these were just hysterical.

Carlin’s New Rules For 2007

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids — lucky bastards.

New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule : There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule : I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn’t a sport — it’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”

‘Tis Wednesday… woo!! This is a funny I got from my pal Christy. I particularly like #3. :D

Women & Men

1. NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t .
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any man in a relationship should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Sasha is sharing the love y’all. Here goes nothing.

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Newspaper Reporter
2. Legal Assistant
3. Technical Writer
4. Snack bar girl

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:
1. The Princess Bride
2. Steel Magnolias
3. Miss Congeniality
4. O Brother Where Art Thou

Four favorite places I’ve lived:
1. Raleigh, NC
2. Wake County, NC
3. Vallejo, CA
4. New Milford, CT

Four favorite places I’ve travelled:
1. Holland
2. Spain
3. Anguilla, B.V.I.
4. Grand Cayman

Four places I most want to see before I die:
1. Australia
2. Egypt
3. Hawaii
4. Scotland

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Ice cream
2. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
3. Baked Potato
4. Pizza

If you want to share, give me your answers in the comments or a link to your blog!

Hooyah! It’s Friday. Whew, thank Gawd, get down on your knees and throw up your arms, Amen!!!

Now that I’ve got that over with, today’s blog post is a quiz. I feel like having fun after a long week, don’t you?

So, my element is fire. Hm, perhaps there’s a story there to be written…

Your Power Element is Fire

Your power color: red Your energy: hot Your season: spring Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.